That nagging feeling……

I woke up today from a very weird dream. A dream that in a way I wished was reality and that I never woke up from.

I dreamt of my grandma. She was in a wheelchair and she was talking to me, and we were chatting. And when I woke up, I realised that I missed her.

Most of you wouldn’t really know my grandma’s story. Well if you put together the time she’s spent living with my family, it would be around 18 years or so, on and off. So yea, it can be said that I was close to her. In 2006, she had a fall, fractured her leg, and became bed-ridden.Then a year later, in August 2007, just about a month after I entered IMU, she had a stroke. She then became what we call a ‘vegetable’. She can’t talk, can’t open her eyes, can’t eat, can’t move. Basically, it is like she’s having a very long nap.And she gets fed through a tube.

A week before her stroke, I visited her and spent like 3 hours, just talking to her.I talk nonsense to my grandma and she still listens to me as if I’m sane. To date, she is the ONLY person who understands me when I speak Tamil. (Yes, I do speak Tamil, but I only do it to save my life because I suck at it,and if i do have to speak, i struggle,a LOT).

So when I woke up from this dream, I wished that she was still able to talk to me, that she was around for me to practice my crappy Tamil on. I woke up today to realise that I miss my grandma. And I do have regrets. Remember when I said that she lived with my family and I most of her time? She did. And when I was a teen, I was a pain the ass. I was selfish. It wasn’t until she had a stroke when I realised I won’t be able to talk to her anymore. I sometimes think back at the times when I was younger, and she would wanna talk to me, and I would just tell her that I’m busy or something, just so that I can do my own thing, and I don’t have to talk to her,or the time when it was just me and her at home and I would lock my self in the room and leave the TV on downstairs so that I don’t have to entertain her and I regret being that way to her. I guess I learnt my lesson the hard way. And yes, I already told you, I was a horrible person when I was a teen, a person I’m kind of ashamed of. But thank God I’ve changed.

And I missed the fun times I shared with her. The times when me and my bro will tell her absolutely ridiculous stories, and she would believe it, or we thought she did. She knew we were talking nonsense and she played along to entertain us. I miss the times she would argue with my parents not to punish me when I did something naughty when I was a kid. She was always on my side.

I woke up today in tears, because I realised how I wasn’t grateful for the people and the things I had in my life when I did have them, and now, no matter what I do, there are something's which I can’t get back.

But I am grateful for the 3 hours I spent talking to her the week before she had a stroke. I can still talk to her, but the it is just that she can’t talk back. I still sit by her bed and update her every time I visit her  because I don’t know if she can hear me or not, but if she can, I’m sure she’ll want to know what's going on.

I just really miss talking to her. It is not the same when the person you are talking to doesn’t answer back.

And the whole day, I just had that feeling in me. I really don’t know how to explain it, it is like a tooth ache, always there, not too painful to immobilise you, but it hurts and you want it to stop.

And as I said, I learnt my lesson the hard way. Ever since that day, I always spend more time with my parents,got rid of the attitude problem, and I hope to be a better person than who I was before. I’m now more grateful for the things I have.

I don’t wanna  live in regret.

The moral of the story: Anyone out there who still doesn’t know how to appreciate what you have, LISTEN to me, and start cherishing them. Why? Because I said so and I’m always right!

:p