My darkest hour.

April sucked. Seriously. It is like the month of deaths.

My uncle passed away at 6.40 am on the 27th of April. I received the news at 7.45am on the same day as I was preparing for my CPK exam, which was at 9.00 am. God knows how I did my exam. All I know is that during the first hour of the exam, I was on auto-pilot mode. I had everything in my head and I was doing it by default. There was no thinking involved. Thank God I managed to get a hold of my head and started to focus on my paper. And I double checked the things I did on auto-pilot mode, and it didn’t seem wrong to me. Who knows if it is right in the first place. My MSK day wasn’t a happy one either. On Sunday afternoon I was told that my uncle had 24 hours left to live, and so I was already emotionally disturbed on Monday. So yea, I honestly don’t care about my exam. I want to pass it and get it over with.

During the exam week, I kept regretting not going to see my uncle during the study break. I kept asking my self if this exam was worth missing my uncle. I honestly don’t know. Certain days during the exam week, I won’t freak out ( I usually do). In fact, the ENTIRE exam week was panic-attack free because I didn’t care anymore. I kept thinking, “Maybe I should’ve skipped exams for his funeral?”. But then again, the funeral was a Muslim one, meaning even if I went, I wouldn’t have been able to do much there.

It was an emotionally taxing week for me. When I call my cousins up, after the exchange of hellos, I can only hear uncontrolled sobbings on the other end of the receiver. What made me feel even worse is the fact that my late uncle was asking for me and my brothers during his last days. I kept thinking that there would be more time after exams. But I guess he couldn’t wait for me and brother to finish our finals.

I went down to Ipoh after exams to see my aunt. It was an emotional visit. I met up with my cousins and they made the visit more bearable. We went makan-makan and all. I think I gained like 5 kilos over the weekend…

Anyway, going back to why I call April the month of death, during the study break Joanne’s puppy died. Abby was just 3 months old. =(

And on the last day of April, I woke up thinking, “ Today is the last day of April, what else is going to happen?”. And as I was preparing for my Toxico paper, I get a text from one my closest friends informing me that the grandmother had passed away early that morning. My friend and I are very close, practically like sisters. And she was having her finals this week. So yea, it was a bad time for her too.

See, April indeed was a month of deaths.

I guess I have to bear the responsibility for my actions, and I have to live with the regret of not going to see my uncle. Don’t cry over spilt milk they say, just shut up and clean up the mess.

I’m hoping for a happier May.