I should have been prepared. But I wasn’t.
Now its too late, and I can only wish that I could turn back time.
There is so much going on, and I don’t know what to do.
I feel lost, although I know what I’m suppose to do.
I’m not going to say that you left me too early, I would say it was your time to go, but unfortunately I wasn’t ready to say goodbye just yet.
I’ve given up.
There is no point in hope and optimism.
There is only so much of disappointment a person can take.
2010 was a rough year for me. I guess I used up all my optimism and positivity there.
This was like the last straw.
Everyone has their own limit.
There is only so much of shots you can take before you fall down.
Nothing is ever enough.
They say follow your passion, pour your heart into it, and make sacrifices.
That is what I did.
The fruit of my labour you ask?
Is nothing what I expected.
Dreams, hope and optimism are for fools.
I was a fool.
There is reality.
Period.
Nothing more.
The pain and frustration is something a few will understand. You need to feel it to know it.
Those who don’t, they will never know. But they talk. Oh Yes, they talk. A LOT.
It still hurts thinking about it.
Injustice.
Nothing you can do about it.
Just live with it.
Not something I like.
Maybe I was wrong to think what I thought.
We are *not* perfect. It is impossible for us to be perfect. So my question is, why are you constantly striving to be perfect? Maybe you’re a perfectionist, but that does not give you the right to insult another’s character.
So what if I’m not like you?
None of us are the same.
We are different for a reason.
If you want to be perfect, go ahead, self-destruct.
But I wonder, why are you so afraid of your own imperfections? Are you that insecure?
~I do not seek perfection, I embrace my imperfections~
2010. A year which I’m *so* glad its gonna end in.. 5 hours time! =D
A lot of good memories were formed this year. Along side that, a lot of terrible/horrible/unpleasant things happened as well.
I’m grateful for all the good which happened to me this year.
2011, I hope u’ll be nicer than 2010.
Happy New Year everybody! =)
Recently Demi Lovato was placed under the microscope due to an emotional breakdown and apparently she is rumoured to be seeking treatment in rehab for self mutilation and eating disorders. Demi just turned 18. Honestly, my heart goes out to the girl. I remember being a teen and having issues and dealing with them without rehab and thank God, I survived this far. I think its smart of her to go to rehab this early and not turn out to be another LiLo or Brit.
Self mutilation is not something most people talk about. And those who have the tendency to self mutilate are usually seen as ‘weirdos’ or freaks. But I think the society is too quick to judge a person based on what they do. People do things for a reason, and it doesn’t necessary mean we understand it, but that does not give us the right to judge them. Maybe she was cutting her self ( if she was, that is) to numb the emotional pain. Emotional pain is something no one else can understand. People may say, “I know how you feel”, but they wont fully understand it because they don’t FEEL it. Feeling it and thinking that you know how it feels are two different things. You will only truly understand what someone else is going through if you have been in their position before. If you haven’t, then you can only imagine it, not feel it.
I think in this country, problems like eating disorders and so on among teens aren’t being highlighted. To most of us, it is just something we read about which the people in Hollywood are doing/ going through. And to some of us, we suffer in silence to avoid judgement from those who will never understand us. For the lucky ones, we find our way out by ourselves, for the unlucky ones, we succumb to the devastating end if nothing was done to pull us out of the situation we are in.
I guess I was one of the lucky ones.
At the end of the day, having a good support system and non-judgemental people around you is the best bet to get over any problem. Not all of us are blessed with that kind of a support system, for those without it, I think being mentally strong is the only way to get out it.
You can read about Demi here.
Once upon a time, not too long ago, in semester 6, we were told to choose our semester 7 projects. Although that day feels like yesterday,it was actually quite some time back. I still remember going through the list of projects and finding so many interesting ones. Not knowing what to do, I decided to read further in detail for one of the projects, then I wanted to do that, unfortunately, there were limited places for what I wanted, hence, a chance I won’t get it. So I prepared Plan B, another project which seems interesting. Somehow, at the end of the day, I was torn between project A and B. Therefore I did what 99% of people will NEVER do (I’m that 1% who actually did it).
When in doubt, ask the dog!
I know you guys are going “WHAAAAT??!!” right now, but hey, Paul the octopus wasn’t wrong you know! So yes, I asked Pumpkin the dog. I made her choose 1 of the two research projects and she did, and I blindly followed her choice. Call me crazy for following what a dog chose, but didn’t most of you believe in Paul? And by the way, Pumpkin has like an 80% accuracy in predicting exam questions, believe it or not, the nights before EOS, and I’m not sure what to read, I ask her to choose which lecture note to read, and usually, the ones she chooses comes out for essay questions. So yea, I have faith in my dog. :)
Anyway, since I had already decided to follow Pumpkin’s decision, when I finally got my supervisors signature on that paper, I was in doubt. What if I was wrong to follow what a dog chose?? ( yes, i was using logic at that time) But anyhow, at that time, I couldn’t change my project even if I wanted to.
So we proceeded to semester 7.
In the beginning of the semester, I was to go to HKL with 2 of my batch mates whom I wasn’t as close to as I was to my normal clique. This was something new. This was outside of my comfort zone. Little did I know, that the experience I shared with them, the disappointment of not meeting the target patients for each day, the pain of standing from 8am-1.30pm and the pain of data collection would bring us closer to one another.
In those gruelling hours of data collection, followed by stats analysis, did we learn more about each other. In those moments, we became closer and forged new bonds of friendship. We endured hardships which only we understood, and no one else. We knew the pain of making tables ( although it seems like something small right now, it was BLOODY annoying to do!). We figured things out together as we proceeded with our project, I guess you could say we became somewhat like the three musketeers or something but not exactly the “musketeer” thingy.
This semester is the semester where we had to figure things out for ourselves with guidance from our supervisors. This semester, I think I’ve learnt more than the previous 6 semesters combined. I’m not talking about academic stuffs, I’m talking about character and well, life lessons. Maybe I’ve learnt so much this semester more than the others because this semester, I was placed outside of my comfort zone.
This semester, I’ve learnt that :
1. Things aren’t always what they seem to be. (OK, so maybe I’ve learnt this before,but this semester, it reinforces it)
2. Anger, clouds your perception. ( learnt this VERY recently. an open apology to all of those affected by my outburst. Didn’t mean to unload it on you. And to those GREAT friends who stood by me and helped me go through it, THANK YOU for being understanding.:) )
3. Going in blind is sometimes the best way to learn. This is my other way of saying, we learn best from our mistakes. Honestly, if I hadn’t made mistakes on my data analysis, I wouldn’t have to read further up on the issue, and I wouldn’t have learnt so much. Sometimes, having minimal guidance is way better. I now know how to do a proper data analysis.
4. The strength of friendship was tested. All these semesters, I’ve been with the same bunch of people. This semester, I wasn’t. And what I realised is that true friendship can last the test of time. :) Those friendships which we re not meant to be, will wilt away as time progresses. Guess I now know who my true friends are! :)
5. Patience goes a LONG way. There have been MANY times when I get frustrated with my work. I huff and I puff and I tell my self, keep going. You’ve done so much, giving up would be such a waste. Taking a deep breath and giving yourself that mental push helps you go further.
6.Sometimes, we are all alone. And we have to quit whining and deal with it!
7. There is no point in depending on others to get your work done. Just do it yourself!
8. Being understanding. There have been times where I was a spoilt brat, and people around me were understanding. And so I decided to learn from them, and be understanding as well.
9. Being caring. This is something I learnt from the nurses at GHKL. I admire their patience, and they helped me define “caring”. I guess I did choose the right career path after all.
10. Not to be the germ-o-phobic girl! YES, you read right! I’m no longer afraid of germs/bacteria/viruses ect. I’ve been a germ-0-phobe all this while, and somehow, my stint at HKL kind of..deleted that from me. weird right?????
11. Learning more about KL! My dear Khai Mei and Huey Chin (both not from KL) took me ard KL and taught me more about how to use public transportation to get to my FAV malls!! :D
12. Walking is fun! Once again, credit goes to Khai Mei and Huey Chin for doing something to that “pampered princess” within me who would have probably cried her eyes out if made to do some walking. Walking from HKL to the LRT station – not something I would do, but I learnt how NOT to be princess about it. :)
All said and done, the semester is about to end. We are all moving ahead to semester 8. I’ll be heading off to Malacca, meaning this will be my first time staying away from home. Oh well, there is always a first for everything right?? I know its not going to be easy, and I know that there will be ALOT of challenges ahead, but I’m excited! I’m excited because once again ,like this semester, I’m moving out of my comfort zone. This means more opportunities to learn and grow. While people were complaining in why they got posted away from home, I was excited. :)
I’m excited to see what Malacca has to offer.
My built-up frustration abt something is killing me from the inside.
If tell people about it, they think I’m a selfish bitch, but those who are on the same boat as me will truly understand what I’m going through.
And FYI, this is NOT the first time it has happened to me.
My patience is wearing thin. One of these days, I might just give some people a piece of my mind.
